Nothing

I wanted to blog about how distressed I am and all but then when it came to acctually bloging it I couldn't. Like everyone has problems and if they tell you otherwise they are lying. But one thing kept coming to my mind and it was how I was dealing with some of mine. How to deal with a problem is very difficult to answer. The typical church answer is pray and that is all good. I find I have been praying a lot latly. Infact I went into the prayer room the other day not because I felt obligated or anything like that but because I wanted to. Praying can do miracles and bring peace but sometimes a situation needs more than prayer. Prayer is talking and sometimes a situation needs acting. I just want to know how to act as I should. Or rather is acting how I have good. Should I be trying more or less. Have I choked the bird? What counts as still holding it? All these questions but no answers.

Am I normal for being me?

What do the Kids say

Katrina

"I missed you acuz you were away," she said. " I don't want you to be gone anymore." I was told that is what she said as I talked to her mom over msn. I visit them regularly I visit so regularly I have had the chance to tuck the kids in on occation. In fact I was over Saturday night. We finished watching hook and I tucked her in. Yet not even a full 48 hours later she misses me. I went to Mexico and I imagine that is what they are saying. I know I miss them, the Kids. Some of the kids even told they don't want me to leave. The funniest part is I miss them the same way. Maybe it's because I love kids so much and am around them a lot so I have learnt this emotion. This emotion though has spilt into my everyday life. I miss people just because they are away. That is love. Missing someone not for any reason but that they are away.

Josh

Mrs. Shepard "has the cookie been anywhere I wouldn't want to eat it from"
Josh "Yes"
Mrs. Shepard "Where?"
Josh "Uhm...................The box!"

That was probably the highlight of my day that day. The way he said it was so cute and the funniest part is it was true the cracker was from the box I even gave it to him. But I put it up there not because it was funny. No I put it up there because it made me think just like Katrina. Maybe sometimes we get so used to the box that we don't want stuff from the box. It's like the box is God and well God has given us so much already that when he gives us another thing we wonder maybe where it is coming from. Or sometimes just don't want it because we think we don't need it. Like Pastor Jordan was saying about grace. Sometimes we get so that it's just an insurance policy because if we mess up grace just gets bigger. It's like crashing a car. You crash and if you have insurance you get money for it. But it always cost something. You never know... You just never see it.

Ya I kinda forgot what I really though of this it was something close to this but I left it for a while so it's not what I originally had in mind.

The Understanding's momentum

So I woke up this morning at 5:48 to a phone call. However my phone is weird and likes to do random things I don't know about one of which is if I leave it in my pocket on the floor while I sleep it opens the music store. I say this because it did that and when the music store is open the ringer changes to a distinctive one. That means any set ringers I have will all be the same. So I had no clue who it was and thought it might have even been long distance. But let me tell you when you go to be at 3 and wake up to a weird ringing at quarter to 6 you just don't move very fast and don't want to. Basically I didn't know if it was important or not because it was unidentified. I also figured I could find out later. It turns out it was a blocked ID. So for the rest of the day I was trying to figure out who called me. And no one seemed to know who it was. And finally by the end of the day I had to come to grips with the fact that I won't know who it was and probably never will. I only say this because I wanted to know so bad who had called me. It was my # 1 thought all day. I was thinking about it during church, Sunday school, down time, work, break, and deeper. But at deeper I thought about something. Knowing everything is not important. It wouldn't have made a difference if I knew who called me. It was and is something so trivial and the only thing that should matter is God and the Grace he has blessed us with. It's like I had lost track of what really mattered just to find out something irrelevant. I had a wake up call and this time I didn't miss it. I know who it was and I heard what they said loud and clear.

Significance of one

As I sat and watched them, they knew nothing of my thoughts. Very soon though my attention was diverted to what seemed to be a hotel for bugs that was near by. I noticed there was an innocent bug caught in a web, so naturally the owner of that web, a huge hairy spider came from hiding to catch its prey. The spider so calmly walked on its web to where the bug was struggling ferociously and grabbed it. At this point the spider injected its venomous fangs just below the bug’s visage. Now contrary to popular belief this is not a poison injected to kill, no it's merely a sedative. Upon being inject the bug immediately became paralyzed but was fully conscious. The spider then dragged the bug off to the corner where it began to suck the blood out of its victim and all the while the victim was fully aware of what was happening but could not do a thing.

of course this is not on here for the feelings expressed though they are very real. No it is on here as a reminder to me.

Death is all it's got

Why do people fear death? I know I don't but I am nervous of its arrival because I have so much I wish to do before it comes. Why do people kill themselves? For glory? To end pain? Make others lives happy? Well how can you do that if you are dead!?! Death is always selfish, so why would you listen to it, its main goal is to collect souls anyway possible. Well now you know my views on death what are yours? Do you have any, do wish for death, do you long to see the day that I die. I never ment anything by it. Any man would get sick of it if they were me. I just don't know how to say I am sick of it any other way! No thank you, not even a whisper!? How could you not notice you have changed and not for the better? Am I not but a flee to you? Is friendship so worthless? Then why would you go on as you are? Yet, no matter how long you go on like this I will never leave your side. I will cry for you and pray for you and I will always be there when you are ready. Even if death were to take me I would be there for you. If heavens gates were shut to you, I would plead for you to the throne of God. Some people may call this devotion love but I call it friendship. Once my friend always my friend. No love is something much more, love is caring for someone who has killed your dog. Love is befriending the man that murrdered your brother. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. I wish I could love but I can not for if I do well in one aspect I fail in the other.
But anaswer me this, "What is freindship to you?"

I remeber a day

I remember a day. It was not just an ordinary day. No, it was an extraordinary day. There was this man who came to me that day and he told me all my dreams will come true. He then proceeded to show me how I could control the universe. I marveled and wondered how could he possibly know all this, how could this man be giving so much up for me. He took me aside and he whispered in my ear "because my child to me you are very dear" and with that he disappeared. So I tried a few passes and a few strokes here and there. I thought of my desires and there they were. It was amazing. It was grand. Everything I wanted in the palm of my hand. I could fly and I could do anything in the blink of an eye. I thought to myself oh this day it must be the best I have ever yet to receive. It must be that man was God and I saw him face to face. I had the power to change the very colors of the sky but I gave them all up without even a sigh. I gave up this extraordinary day just so that I could have that simple ordinary day. The one we had together.(I tell this story not because it is true but because it is a comparison. If that day would be extraordinary than imagine it if you could share it with a friend. That day is nothing if you have no friends to share it with)

A Code Cracking God?

This is a song about forgiveness and understanding and as I listened to I realized some times people have to beg each other for forgiveness because normally they don't understand. I look at this and compare it to God and I see that God always forgives because he always understands. God has cracked everyone's code and you'll never have to beg Him for forgiveness. I like that because begging for forgiveness sux.
I want the words
something you haven't heard
will I find them and
will I have what it takes to say them
in the world beside
this one there are no lies
and no suspicion
only dreams without end
You gotta feel what I mean
look into my eyes and know
I'm trying to come clean
but I stumble every time
and then the words they escape
fail to take shape
it's all in the code now (come again)
Will you let me retract
will you let me take it back
sometimes my words lack
and my mind flies off the track
what I'm trying to convey
is miles from what I say
and you slip away
In life there are times
when nothing will rhyme
there are days I slip
when I know I should climb
breakin' the vows
I swore I'd never break
a harsh word a white lie
easy to mistake
where have you been
haven't you noticed
there's no map that exists
to point us out of this
I've been trying to transmit a feeling
I've been hoping you receive what I'm revealing
see the main thing is hang with me and relate
as we communicate, watch out
fenced in like a dog between houses
balled up by the trouble my mouth gets
wrapped up in the things that I don't know
don't you know, hoping that you crack the code, whoa oh oh
I want the words
something you haven't heard
will I find them and
will I have what it takes to say them
You gotta gotta feel what I mean
look into my eyes and know
I'm trying to come clean
but I stumble every time
and then the words they escape
fail to take shape
it's all in the code now
Didn't I know I'm wrong wrong wrong when you knew
you didn't have to give me so long long long to see through
not predictable what I will do but you know
cause you cracked the code
The first to understand me that would be you
it can't work if we can't be open and true
the best thing to happen to me let it be told
that would be the moment that you cracked my code

Lettin it out part two

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and contemplating the past few months of our friendship. I have also spent sometime discussing it with other impartial people whom I trust. When we became friends, back when I was in grade 11, I felt that God a had truly blessed me. He had brought someone into my life who was understanding and sympathetic and maybe even empathetic. And I could see you truly cared because of this. Someone who was honest with me even when it hurt. Someone who was fun to be around because no matter what there home situation was like they were always vibrant and uplifting . Someone who when I needed to talk was available and patient when things went wrong. And when things did go wrong you never treated me harshly but tenderly and with sweetness and kindness even when I was acting rude or obnoxious. But most of all He had blessed me with someone who trusted me. In this on going argument I realize now that I may have forgotten some of the things which made us who we are. I never stopped to think about you and that is something I truly regret. I am also dearly sorry for the lack of physical support in your decision to date the guy of your choice. I never intended to make it seem as if I did not agree with your choice. I want you to be happy and if he makes you happy then I support that. I understand that you do not have a lot of time because you are in first year of university and especially right now you have a lot of work to prepare for exams. I believe I may have told you this but before I became friends with you I used to spend my lunches in the wash room waiting for the library to open so that I could spend the remainder of it in a back corner where no one would notice me. However I never told you that I did not like doing that and if it had gone on much longer I probably would not be hear right now; so more important than trust is a reason to live, you and Tiffany both. I hope that when you are on break we will have some time to resolve our issues and rekindle a friendship that saved lives. > A friend forever Tim

Lettin it out

As much as you want to disagree I want to be a good friend to you and I want to help you when you go thru shit. I would never intentionally act as an ass towards you. As you are well aware that being stubborn is a trait and maybe you don't know but I am not too fond of it. Being stubborn is maybe what kept me going on those stupid jokes that you don't like. That however does not mean I was being an ass Intentionally. You never told me why you don't like them and so I being stubborn kept at them not understanding. I can't even begin to explain how much you mean to me so I won't even try but if you meant anything to me as a friend then why would I want to jeopardize that. Now you may see this argument as the same as before and maybe it is but I didn't and don't know that. The other night when I said I gave up on you I was only saying that because you did and in a sense it is true. You see our last fight when we were finally ok well I wanted so much to pursue it further and find out what was underneath but in the end I figured it was still water and why stir it up so I gave up on knowing. I don't know maybe you can understand this next part because of Someone but it is so hard to be a good friend when the other tells you nothing to very little about what is going on. I was lucky that I had Someone Else there for so long to help me. But now I am drowning and you are staring at me hoping for a miracle when all it would take for one is you to extend your hand. I see you trying but your scared and I just want to scream and cry because I can't even tell you. The longer you hesitate the more agony I have to endure and soon I'll be lost to the depths of the ocean. Then it will take a wonder of God to bring me back. The wonder of God, I must admit, would be awesome but right now I would settle for a miracle.