Where

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. I can no longer think straight. My brain feels all fuzzy. And when I try to concentrate on a thought it slips past me. I know there is something important I need to tell you but I can't for the life of me think of what it is. Right now there seems like nothing I can say to you. I wish you would say something to me first then maybe I could think. Maybe from what you say a spark or thought, something could be caught and held for more than a nano second. I wish I could have caught you and held you for more than a nano second. I wish I had held my tongue and just let things be. I wish I could see your face one more time. But here I am stuck wishing and never having what it is I want. And it seems to me that the only thing I want these days is you. I wish you could be with me to experience what I experience and to know what I know. I wish you could listen to me and understand me. I thought you were one of the specials. But I was wrong. I wish I didn't love you but I can't figure out how to stop. I wish I didn't want to stop. And now you know this is where I am, stuck in this endless loop trapped and alone wishing it would change knowing that it wont. Looking for your grace even after it is gone. Hoping it'll be back because if it's not I will have lost everything I've ever loved. Everything I've every wanted or loved was all in one place and I know I should have been smarter but that isn't the case. So now I'm stuck hoping for your grace.

Cumberland house

Hey, long time no post. Well anyway just postin from cumberland. It's pretty sweet up here. We did the Kids thing today there was a lot of hesitation with that ebcause of last time but it went over real smooth for everyone else. The kids were all "managable" and well moderatly well behaved. Not too many shinanagans. Personaly I liked it better last time but I like to have kids hanging off me. But what ever you know its the impact we are having that counts not what I prefer sides which not havin kids hangin was better for everyone else. It's a little different this time doing everything in the school but its cool and been fun. Later.

Bless The Lord, Oh My Soul And All That Is Within Me.

Wow, If I take every day to be like today... A powerful thing happens. 5 guys with the same agenda seems to make it happen a lot more than just one. An hour we spent today just reflecting on God's word and praying and it was amazing. The best part of it all is the day has just begun I haven't even gone to work. On a day that I would normally sleep until I had to leave like 9:30 - 10 yet its only just after 7. Recently I had thought a lot of negative thoughts toward Christianity because I could not understand how God could take something from me the meant so much and yet even in all it I was trying to praise him and earnestly seek him for answers. Now I see that even in taking one thing away God has blessed me with so much more. I have lost some close friendships but the lord has blessed me with more. And that is why I have to bless the Lord with all that is within me. Repentance. Repentance. Lord I need you. Bless you Lord.

Can just say it? Can I get it off my chest?

I want to start by saying all this is being said by an individual who at present is having a lot of doubt and insecurity.
I went into this book (My Velvet Elvis) with great doubt in my spiritual walk. I now have a greater faith in the existance of God. I believe he has a role for me. The one thing I did not doubt was faith itself. There are many kinds of faith. But one in particular that has been shot for me is faith in people and what they say. This book may not so mush as caused that but perhaps made me see the logic of doubt in faith. Doubt is not a bad thing. It brings on questions and questions lead to truth and truth only leads to more questions. So questions are good if you believe truth is.
Allow me to share my reasoning behind my doubt in people and what they say. Anyone who says something has a reason behind what and how they said it. If they did not there would be absolute no reason to say anything at all and so nothing would be said. The trick behind communication is understanding the reason and knowing how to process the information given. If for instance someone thought an idea was ludicrous they would relay that information not objectively but with a slight bias. They then would have an agenda behind what they say. There point for telling someone this information would be because they thought it to be absurd, maybe confusing, or that the person would find it interesting. The next person to hear it would hear it with that biased spin and then either take up that same opinion or ignore it and in rare occasions take up a new opinion of their own. Because of the fact that there is no possible way to say something truly objectively and only the ability to hear something objectively.
I find I have a good ability to understand peoples reasons behind what they say I actually find it rather easy. There are some people however who do not. In not understand they fall easily to miscommunication. Of course in thinking you always understand you also fall ea silly to miscommunication. However I am presently annoyed at the fact that someone in a place of leadership has failed to understand. There is knowledge that someone knows and past experiences that cause them to react in a certain way. The person in leadership does not know of their past and all .... Bllla it frustrates me.

Did you know?

Did you know my middle name?
Of course
Did you know my date of birth?
Of course
Did you know my favorite color?
Of course
Did you know we wouldn't be friends any more?

Did you know the Girl I had a crush on?
Of course
Did you know what I did in my spare time?
Of course
Did you know my darkest secret?
Of course
Did you know we wouldn't be friends any more?

Did you know you would be lying to me?
Did you know I would need to prepare myself?
Did you know I spent the night praying for you?
Did you know I did a horrible job of preparing myself?
Did you know I miss everything about you?
Did you know I have an honest answer to questions you asked me?
Did you know I am sorry for everything I have done?

Cell phone Bible

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go..hmm.where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

Is this how it is?

They lie on the table side by side;
The Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide
One is well worn and cherished with pride.
Not the Bible, but the T.V. Guide
One is used daily to help folks decide.
No, not the Bible, but the T.V. Guide
As the pages are turned, what shall they see?
Oh, what does it matter, turn on the T.V.
So they open the book in which they confide.
No, not the Bible, but the T.V. Guide
The Word of God is seldom read.
Maybe a verse before they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be.
Not from reading the Bible, but from watching T.V.
So then back to the table side by side.
Lie the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide,
No time for prayer, no time for the Word,
The plan of Salvation is seldom heard.
But forgiveness of sin, so full and free,
Is found in the Bible, not on T.V.

Alone

I sit around taking, what I would call crap, all day. I just sit there and I put up with it and well I don't know it's like a build up. You know. Like if you were holding a bar and someone put 10 pounds on each side but they didn't stop there they added another 10 and kept going till you couldn't hold on any longer. I want to explode and rip a face off only I don't instead I think about just leaving and not trying to keep the bar up. I talk to a guy and he says just talk to the person adding the weight and tell them they need to stop and take a bit off even. So I do and the person gets all indignant on me and refuses to stop and maybe even take a little off. So I take the next step and arrange for someone else to help my cause of relieving me a little weight so I don't have to wimp out and leave. Because no one really wants that not even the person adding weight. Then the person adding weight gets all indignant on the person who's helpin out. Well, lucky for me I know who to get to help because well after a long talk things settle down and the person isn't quite so indignant. In fact they maybe even understands that all I want is to be able to hold my bar. They don't necessarily want to take any weight off but they they probably won't add weight. But now things are complicated because well the person who's all indignant never knew the amount of weight they added and therefore didn't care really. Except I think last night they kind had an idea of just how much weight they added and were frankly shocked by it. Only they won't tell me this. I think they will be shocked and then say holy crap I can't deal with this. Maybe they'll run or hope I don't notice the extent of the weight. Only thing is I already have and I tried to tell them but they set off the signal that they don't care. When all I want is for this weight to be bearable. Now I don't know how to respond because well I haven't got any of my information from the person and so I don't want to make assumptions based on what other people tell me. Especially when by the persons actions they send off a completely different signal.